both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
