so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
