There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
