Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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