Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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