I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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