you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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