I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
