I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
