Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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