I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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