Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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