Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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