Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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