if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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