I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
