I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
