Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
