Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
