Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize