If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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