"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
