Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
