did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize