dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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