I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
