May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
