so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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