i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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