Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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