dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Operation Purity has been aborted
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
