I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize