I'm so fucking centered right now
wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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