I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
