could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
