My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
