2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
