im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
