you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
