I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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