so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize