i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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