Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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