just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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