She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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