I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
