either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize