I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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