: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
