the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize