FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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