Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
