Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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