Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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