I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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