i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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