the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
