This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I checked into jail on foursquare
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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