why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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