this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He passed out mid-signature
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
