my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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