I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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