i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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